BD: We're here now with Garnet Gardener of the Garnet and Gure Software Concern, who graciously agreed to pose for us at the last minute. Thanks for coming out today, Garnet.
GG: Thank you for having me. My clean laundry reserves were running thin, and this took a lot of the decision-making out of getting dressed today.
BD: Sure. So, Garnet, is this the first time you've ever been nude in front of the camera?
GG: It is. I was going to pose for a friend's photography portfolio once, but a neighbor called the feds on us and I was afraid that they would stop giving me cookies if I explained that I was not in fact a ten-year-old boy.
BD: Uh-huh. And what made you decide to pose for us today?
GG: Well, for a long time I've struggled with whether it was best to take my clothes off to defy society's oppressive dictum that I keep them on, or keep my clothes on to defy society's oppressive dictum that I take them off. I tried to get a straight answer from society as to what its position on the subject actually was, but most agents of society that I tried to question simply got on their busses and pretended they couldn't hear me. And then you offered me several hundred dollars to strip.
BD: That we did. Now, tell us about your relationship with Gure Lewis.
GG: I met Gure in high school. He said that I had something called the seventy-three hour ass, meaning I had just the right body-weight-to-butt-surface ratio in order to safely withstand up to seventy-three hours of straight sitting. He then took him upon himself to train me in the way of video games. I think I'm some sort of Chosen One.
BD: What do you look for in a boyfriend?
GG: I'm super into Canadians.
BD: And what would you say are your turn-offs?
GG: I'm generally pretty hard to turn off, but I become legally sterile in the presence of that variety of dork who feels the need to point out that everyone on Earth is technically related through a common ancestor every time somebody's trying to have an intellectual discussion about racial identity. I also hate vampires.
BD: Very interesting. Now, I think what everyone wants to know is... Um... what is that red dot?
GG: What red dot?
BD: There's a red dot on your... Uh-oh, I think somebody's got a laser pointer.
GG: Holy crap, there's somebody across the street shining a laser at me! What the fuck!
BD: Why is that window open?
GG: You there! Across the street! You think this is free?
BD: Somebody get a curtain in here!
GG: Once I get my robe back on, I'm going to stuff ham down your throat and stick a fox up your butt!
BD: I'm terribly sorry about this, Miss Gardener...
GG: You know what? The moment has passed! Turn off that stupid camera!
BD: But... but we still haven't gotten your R rated bits!
GG: Well, NOBODY gets full-frontal now! Flash Gordon over there has ruined it for everyone!
BD: One boob, okay? Just one! Really quickly! It'll double our Google rating!
GG: Stop taking pictures!